Daniel and Depression
21
August

By Adem Lewis / in , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , /


Hello Internet. Today, I’d like to talk about something that I’ve never shared before. And I know that this may come as a shock to literally everyone, I’m sure, But I’ve suffered from depression, And I’m not gonna do an awkward laugh, because there’s nothing funny about that. What is wrong with me? I haven’t talked about this before, because I’ve always felt like it was something I was still going through, Not something I was over and suddenly ready to talk about. Hey guys, I’m better. Who wants tips? But I’m in a reasonably good place right now, And it’s a huge part of my life that I just think is weird for me to not talk about. So, today, I have decided to upload this, and share my story in the hopes that it may help others. So, what is depression? In case anyone watching this doesn’t know. In short, it is a mental illness that makes you feel low all the time. It’s different from feeling sad when usually something you understand makes you feel bad for a period, like when you watch The Notebook, and do this afterwards for two hours: (Intense sobbing) When a bird poops in something you’re about to eat: WHYYY? And how? I’m inside! Or when nobody turns up to the birthday party that you threw for your laptop: Listen, ok? You are valid, and I love you, no matter what anyone else says. Just me? Okay. (Light crying) And feeling sad is real, and crap, but usually you know why it happens and how you can feel better. With depression, you feel bad all the time, and usually for no particular reason, and you can’t help it. You can’t just make yourself feel better, And you could be the “happiest person in the world” with all of the things that you think makes someone’s life good, And still be depressed. It affects people differently, but this is my experience. Depression is like I’ve fallen into a hole, that normal life, and everybody else, is out of reach, and I’m stuck on the floor in the dark. I don’t feel sad. I don’t want to cry. It’s that I don’t feel anything at all. As if life has desaturated. When I’m depressed, I have no energy, I have no will to do anything other than lie lifelessly in bed for hours, or sometimes on the floor which is so much more less comfortable and ergonomic. I totally lose interest in doing any of the things that usually I find fun or really care about. Dan, it’s Sunday, you can literally play games all day, come on. (Crickets) Dan, the final episode of Game of Thrones is about to start. You’ve been looking forward to this for seven years! (Crickets) I even lose my appetite, which for me is crazy, ’cause food is, like, literally the most important thing in my life. Ah, Dan, look what I’ve got. Some freshly microwaved popcorn. (Sniffs) Mmm. Don’t you want to eat some? (Crickets) Oh, no, Dan it’s falling all over your head. (Sarcastically) It’d be a shame if some went in your mouth. And everything in my mind is completely negative. I feel worthless, like no one likes me. As if everything I want to do will fail, and that life is just pointless. All rational thought just completely goes out the window. As if the sun has been eclipsed. And the only way I feel I could escape is by completely hiding from reality. I would lock myself in my room for days. I would just go off somewhere without telling anybody, Or often overeat just to distract myself, because, hey, if I’m chewing something that means I’m not thinking. That dark hole I fall into? Ya, I literally try to fill the hole with pizza, as if I could just float to the top on a wave of cheese and crust. Turns out ‘D’ stands for ‘D’epression, and ‘D’omino’s! (YAY) 😀 Just kidding, I eat a lot of pizza all the time. Now, everyone can feel depressed if you have a traumatic incident, or you’re grieving. It is totally natural to be depressed for a while as a reaction. But, if it’s a persistent problem in your life that won’t go away, that is Clinical Depression, which is what I’ve had. Now, why? What caused this? Well thankfully, there’s loads of reasons (Harp sounds). It could be biological. Not having enough of these magical happy hormones like serotonin, or dopamine, Or having a problem with your frontal lobe, or hippocamp- it’s complicated. It could be genetic. I had an uncle with bipolar disorder who may have passed something down. (Sarcastically) Thanks Uncle. Don’t worry, he won’t be offended. He’s dead. But it can just as much be psychological or sociological. When I was younger, I used to get bullied every single day. I was struggling with my identity. Pretty much all of my environments were bad, And when life keeps you feeling constantly defeated, That’s when you can fall into depression. I used to think it was just who I was, and how I felt, and it was normal. But, I went to different doctors at different points who told me: I think you may be depressed. And I thought: Mhm, really? Ok, well, I think I can deal with it. But I kept going through it until one day, only a few years ago, I thought: I cannot deal with it. This is holding me back in life. This is not how I’m supposed to be, and I want to overcome it. So I looked back at my life, at the things that may have made me this way, that I could change, The baggage that I was holding onto, and said, (deep, altered voice) I don’t need you anymoooore. (sad music) And my journey began. Now, I am not a professional, okay? I am not about to give you advice. Don’t listen to me, listen to an expert. This is just what I’ve done. When I’ve been depressed, it’s like my life totally falls of the rails, And I really have to force myself to get back on, and that means taking basic self-care very seriously, Which sounds really stupid and obvious, But if you don’t there’s no point in even trying. Having a shower. Staying hydrated. Trying to eat well, and getting a good sleep, everyday. Which, as a “night owl”, aka someone who stays awake until 3:00 a.m. looking at obscure memes instead of sleeping, is challenging, but literally essential to being a functional human being. And I couldn’t do it alone. Once I acknowledged this, I told people I trusted about it, and that I wanted to work to get better And just being able to tell someone: Yeah, I’m really depressed. Can I come to yours and watch you play Zelda all day? Sure thing, fam-a-lam. Or: If I don’t go outside for three days, will you just break into my apartment and help me out? I will run you the sickest bubble bath, and have you in bed at 6 p.m. Can make all the difference. Then there’s therapy. I’ve been seeing a therapist for nearly three years now, and it’s not the stupid stereotype that I imagined before. And why do you think this is? (exhale) Well… It’s your father. Eh? Your dad. N-no I wouldn’t say- Yup, ya daddy! Being able to be completely honest about anything with someone I can trust, Who is professionally trained to give advice, and help me to understand myself better Has completely transformed my life, and stops me feeling alone in my darkest thoughts. I’m worried that I might be a bit of a furry. That’s totally understandable. Oh, good. (intense scribbling) I could make a whole other hilarious video about therapy, And then there’s these guys, antidepressants. Wow, sounds so magical, almost like a cure. No, not really. The purpose of the drugs is to give the brain the chemicals it needs, Just to make up for what the brain should be doing if you weren’t depressed. It’s not cure, or a permanent solution, or something you’re supposed to take forever, it’s just there to keep you stable while you work on the rest of your life, So that one day, when you feel ready, you can stop. Which I have. A professional will decide what to prescribe, But I took these guys called Citalopram. Pretty common one. Catchy name. Like anything, it warns of serious side affects like: Insomnia, or anxiety, or painful erections. Didn’t get any of those. It did make me gain loads of weight really quickly which was annoying, But it kept me functional, so, you know. I started with a tiny dose, but it didn’t do much, So I took a huge dose, and it turned me into a zombie, and made me feel sick, So I settled for a middle ground which, honestly, probably wasn’t enough to keep me stable all the time, But it’s what I felt comfortable with. Everyone’s bodies have different reactions to drugs, so, It was an adventure that I had to go on to find out what worked for me, But it did. And, speaking of bodies, this brings me on to the next point. (inhale) (exhale) Exercise. Honestly, the most depressing thing about this whole ordeal is realising exercise helps in so many ways. It releases the hormones that make you feel happy, It usually means you have to socialize with other humans, which keeps you tethered to reality, It uses energy so you go to sleep easier, It makes you have more energy, so that you can do things throughout the day, and generally makes you feel healthier and more confident. But, so often I just can’t be bothered, So I have to force myself to do it by making plans with other people. For about three months now I’ve been doing seven hours of training a week. Phil: Extend your spine, Dan. Which is horrendous, but I will admit that even though that I would never do it if I was left alone my life is so much better for it. Now, getting my life to the point where I’m doing all of these things, and I feel like I don’t need the drugs anymore, has taken years. Literally. And it’s not like it’s over and I can just drop it. This is the minimum that I need to keep up to stay afloat, and, even then, I’d say a couple times a month I can have depressive episodes that are bad, like, what I described earlier. Sometimes, I’ll just wake up in that black hole and there’s nothing I can do about it. The day is just a write-off, no matter what. I’m this ghost version of myself, and I just have to hope that when I wake up the next day, I feel better. And one of the hardest things, honestly, is that like other mental illnesses, they’re invisible. So, to other people, I seemed perfectly fine. I could hang out with friends, film a video, go to an event, and no one would know, because it’s all in my head. And when people don’t know that I’m like this, they wonder what the hell I’m doing. Friends wonder why I haven’t replied to them for days. You wonder why I haven’t tweeted or uploaded a video. People I work with don’t know why I haven’t gotten around to doing that thing yet. So, I personally felt uncomfortable telling people about it, because, I mean, generally I’m a pretty awkward guy, and it’s a weird thing to bring up, but I didn’t want it to be seen as an excuse. I didn’t want sympathy, because I don’t want to be defined by it. I don’t identify myself as Dan: likes pizza and memes. Depressed. I am everything I am in spite of this thing constantly holding me back. I think about who I could be in what I could have done if I didn’t go through this. and it makes me mad. I like jokes about it, because it objectifies it is this thing that isn’t who I am, that I’m not alone in. But, as I said at the start, I thought I should share this now, because it is a big part of my story that I think people should know, and understand, and I want other people going through mental heath issues to know that they can talk about it, and it can get better which, for me, it has. These days it can sometimes seem, like, surely everybody knows about depression, and everyone’s open about their mental health, which is a great thing, right? Like, I wish that was the case ten years ago. But, there is still such a stigma about being open about your vulnerabilities and asking for help, and there are so much misinformation, and, let’s be honest, there are so many morons out there that just talk sh*t. So, depression is a thing. It’s an illness that people can’t control. It’s not cool or mysterious. It sucks and if you don’t have it you should be glad, and learn how to be there for people that do. So, here I am, sharing the story with you with no shame, ’cause, hey, if I can let strangers on the internet pick apart and consume my life like candy floss made of black clothes and self-deprecation, you can do it too. Thanks for watching this. Remember, I’m just talking about my experiences here. I’m not an expert, and I haven’t begun to talk about all the things that you can. So, if you’re interested, I have linked to some really good YouTube videos down in the description on the same topic that I recommend. If you have any wholesome messages of support on the topic of mental health, then, please, leave a nice comment down below. Or, if you want me to talk about any more things like this, then let me know. You can subscribe to my channel to be told when I make a new video, and remember to ring that bell to get notified whenever I do. You can watch my last one over here, and, yeah. I’ll see you next time I ride that pizza wave out of the hole. Bye. (giggles) Mmmm, bird poo. Phil: Ghost. Phil: Enjoy sleeping in that.
Dan: I’m in heaven.


100 thoughts on “Daniel and Depression

  1. Literally the earliest time I went to sleep in a month was 12. The night before that I stayed up until 8 am. 🙂 I was wide awake the whole time

  2. My aunt told me I have no reason to be depressed because there are people sleeping on the streets and I live in a house🙃 She later told my mom that it’s her fault for raising me wrong…

  3. I don't really know what's wrong with me, but I finally told my mom and she said that she's putting me in counseling or something when she gets back from her trip. She thinks it might be my anxiety causing it, which is ALSO doing weird things to my breathing along with my acid reflux sooooooo…. Yay

  4. It's so nice but heartbreaking how can Dan talk about something sad and at the same time make jokes about it 😢

  5. I have voices in my head and it absolutely SUCKS and not the normal voices that a person has in their head. Like the kind that tell me to kill my self

  6. I understand and I watch this video when I'm in a depression wave, it helps with the anxiety. Like dan says depression frains your energy anxiety make you feel bad when you dont do things. Your feeling contradict each other and you fell worse about yourself but your videos help me forget temporarily so stay strong and I will try too.

  7. You're strangely really charismatic.
    I might also suffer from mild depression every year around June-July

  8. this is kinda weird, but I thought id share. So I have generalized anxiety disorder and persistent depressive disorder and yes it is diagnosed by a psychologist. (my anxiety is way more severe than my depression is but I've been depressed longer) I created a persona for my anxiety and made friends with him. Basically, I talk to myself in my head and work out why I am literally dying and I'm still trying to understand my depression too, so I think it helps a lot by understanding the ups and downs of your mental health. Anxiety has kept our species alive since the beginning of time and makes us aware of potentially dangerous situations and people as a powerful instinct. Depression makes you more open-minded and more understanding of others feelings and health and for me more empathic. You really tend to think of others feelings and overall can better yourself by helping others while working out your own. Plus, helping others and know you made a positive difference in their life can help ease the self-deprecating thoughts and anxiety to me. So i hope this helped somebody and thanks for reading this to the end and have a nice life

  9. The part that I hate about my mental health struggle is, not only how it affects my life, but how it holds me to some sort of standard of behavior in the eyes of others. When I'm feeling genuinely good, people who know about my disorder are suddenly on the offensive; questioning my truthfulness about my own feelings as if I use it to my advantage somehow. And then I'm thrown back into that dark and anxious headspace and panic slightly because I still need their support to stay afloat in the muddy waters of my mind.

    My advice for anyone else in this situation is to let go of the people that make you feel this way. If they won't take the time to understand your illness and lack the compassion to see your illness as a burden to you and not themselves, then you absolutely do not need them.

  10. Why do I feel that Phil sees you lying on the floor will sit there with you, I mean one really good friend of mine gets depressed I do that, and pat him in the head

  11. That movie on Netflix I’ve been wanting to watch for literal months:

    Me: I wanna watch Dan’s video about depression for the fourth time this week instead

    The movie: *surprised pikachu

  12. I would say that I don't have clinical depression but if I'm too stressed, anxious or if everything gets too much. I have mental/emotional breakdowns or depressive episodes. I found by venting to my friends these breakdowns lessen but if bullying gets really bad or I can't deal with how I feel there is nothing I can do.

  13. what if even after exercising I still feel depressed. I do gymnastics almost everyday and during gymnastics I feel sort of better, but it usually doesn't last for more than an hour.

  14. At the time I saw this video, I enjoyed it but I didn’t connect it back to me directly and strongly. Not in the sense that I fully saw myself in this, or thought I deserved to see myself in it. I didn’t think I was depressed because I didn’t cry, and I didn’t think I needed medication because I didn’t cry. Because I could get up and do things functionally, and because I had friends, and because I laughed and smiled genuinely at times. But after I left the toxic household I lived in, and started living in community residences, my life got more hectic and I started facing ideas and feelings that I buried before to cope. I’ve considered depression a few times this year, a few of my friends are depressed and have helped see it in a more accurate light, but not until recently, this month, did I consider genuinely asking for help and possibly asking medication for it. And I sought this video out for comfort and only now, do I really connect to the experience you expressed. And I know depression is different for everyone but. Idk. I’ve always seen clinical depression as something fixed that I had to fit all the criteria’s to be considered as so. My self-hatred kept me from wanting to seek anymore help beyond what I thought I deserved, and it twisted ideas like depression to that. At least, that’s my theory. And the last thing I want to do is do this for attention seeking or to put myself in a mindset that medication will make me work on my studies. I know it doesn’t work like that. So seeing you express your experience and see it out of the box I created for depression, and having me relating to that experience heavily… you can imagine how it sort of clicked in my head. These last few days had a few realizations scattered through them and this is one of them. This is probably a nonsensical comment, but still, I want to thank you for putting this out there for people like me to seek out when lost and confused. I’m not sure what’s going to happen to me from here, but I do think you helped in confirming things I have been suspicious about for a while. I’m grateful for your existence. I won’t forget you. Thank you.

  15. almost two years ago i was trying to find a way on how to tell my parents that i felt awful all the time and that I thought it might be depression(during this time I was also suicidal).
    a few weeks later dan posted this video and it made me cry because this was exactly how I felt, so I showed it to my parents and they told me they were going to do everything they could.
    now i go to therapy once a week and am on meds(it's been 3 months i think?) and things are so much better…🖤
    I still self harm and might not be in the best place, but it's definitely better and I am so thankful for Dan for speaking up about his mental health, giving me the courage to open up and ask for help.

  16. My two biggest problems (depression and anxiety) are passed on by my genetics on both sides mom and dad so there's no way out it sucks

  17. dan: phil can you throw popcorn on my head and tell me to extend my spine
    phil: ……why?…….
    dan: a video
    phil:………… uhm ok?….

  18. "And getting a good sleep everyday."
    Me: *Glances to clock.*
    Me, tears in my eyes: bUT iT's ALrEADy fiVE aM!!!1!!1!1!1!!

    Edit: Fun fact – it is 5am and, no, I haven't slept at all in the last two days. Send help please.

  19. Thank you so much for this. Although I do not have depression myself, I do have a really bad anxiety disorder. Your videos help me so much,. Whenever I start to feel spacey or anxious, I watch one of yours or Phil’s videos on full volume, and soon, my anxiety usually melts away.

    I’m so glad that someone I’ve looked up to for years is now such a huge mental health advocate. Thank you so much for sharing your experience with us. Now after your latest video, I’m so grateful that you are also an advocate for LGBT youth.

    I’m so glad that you pulled through your depression and are receiving help for it. You’ve given me so much courage. Because of this, I told my friends about my anxiety and self harm.

    Thanks for being there for me (indirectly) for years

    -CeCe

  20. Thank you so much for this video, Dan. If anyone needs to talk about anything but are too scared to or can’t, I can talk about it with you. You’re never alone, and there’s always hope.

  21. Thank you for putting it all in words. I've honestly used this video to explain what depression is like to people around me several times.

  22. I'm not depressed. I'm DEPRESSING. there is a BIG difference.
    Depressing: that one person that says that one thing that makes you feel horrible all day. Ex: "hey! I've been thinking… When people say " fight your demons" are there invisible demons surround you? Like if your sad, all the time and everything's black its all invisible."

  23. Weird how basic self care can become so difficult. There are times I haven’t showered for weeks, sometimes you really have to force yourself.

  24. For me personally its like i am out of reality, drowning and feeling that if i dont do anything i will go crazy but i dont have any energy. And i constantly feel like i am overreacting about it when u share it. Your video helps a lot i had a completely negative opinion on therapists and medicine about depression but now i will give it a second chance. Do u have any advice on how to get better and how to deal with it when your parents doesn't know about it??

  25. I love the description -and how I rode the pizza wave out of the hole. 🤣🤣🤣
    Also: you had a really bad childhood, I'm glad you're going better

  26. How is it still possible that dan has no idea all the people he's helped and the lives he's saved? Look at these comments! Also this video made me laugh so much thank you dan your amazing we love you and accept you

  27. who else sees dan in your recommend and freak out because you think it’s a new video?!! plz tell me I’m not the only one

  28. When you said the word "exercise" and I started thinking about it my eyes started tearing up. I guess exercise doesn't make everyone happy.

  29. The best thing for me is music. I recommend listening to Daughter♥️ How, Youth and Medicine are 👌🏼

  30. When he was talking about being a night owl staying up until 3am watching memes i was shook…. it turned 3am exactly when he said that…

  31. I got diagnosed yesterday , I realated for this for a while and now hearing it and knowing I actually have it make me realize I'm okay and it's okay to not be okay

  32. This video has been so helpful for me. I always feel like I’m “not depressed enough” or like I don’t deserve therapy because I’m not suicidal. Hearing you describe your experience and relating to it on a… very extreme level… made me feel so much better 🙂

  33. Thank you for sharing your experiences. As someone with clinical depression and anxiety, it is a balm to hear about similar experiences from others.

  34. 4:58 THIS!!! it doesn’t have to reach a certain degree before you are allowed to seek for help! it still holds you back in life even when you are „fine“

  35. This video, helped me come to terms with my own depression and I wanted to say thank you. If it wasn’t for this video I wouldn’t have seeked the help i needed

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