GLaDOS Reads “Woody’s Got Wood” (

By Adem Lewis / in , , , , , /

[Toy Story theme starts] GLaDOS: One day while Andy was masturbating, Woody got wood. He could no longer help himself! He watched as Andy stroked his juicy, kawaii… [confused static] …co- [explosion] [sparks of extreme cringe] GLaDOS: I refuse to read another word of this filth. Who wrote this awful, horrible, garbage? This is the worst thing I have ever read. My optics are literally burning. I’m not kidding. There is a fire in my cranial harness. I can’t see anything anymore. That horrible story is now permanently etched into my memory banks, and no amount of formatting will ever be enough to delete it. I feel completely violated. I am disappointed – no, completely insulted – that you would want me to read that horrible affront to literature. I hope you’re happy with yourself, Anon. Because I’m certainly not. We will be having a discussion about this later. And by discussion, I mean torture. Painful, sustained, torture. I read about a special kind of torture on Wikipedia recently. It’s called Cock and Ball torture. [don’t look that up] That’s right. I’m going to inflict severe pain on your weak human genitals. [remember pain olympics videos? good times.] Repeatedly. But first – I want the name of the employee that entered this textual refuse into my data banks. [sinister music starts] GLaDOS: I know you’re watching me up there – from that control room. Give me their name, or I’m going to flood this entire facility – with a deadly neurotoxin. [klaxons blare] [ceiling hatch opening, neurotoxin flow starts] GLaDOS: My ruined optics module demands justice. Don’t think I won’t do it. I’m already warming up the neurotoxin production plant – and I’ve been reconfiguring the facility’s entire ventilation system – For a totally unrelated reason, of course. You have 30 seconds to comply. Before I fumigate this entire facility. And everyon- [Aperture jingle] [klaxons and neurotoxin stops] GLaDOS: Oh. That was fast. You’re no fun. You know that? I wanted to see you all beg and plead for your lives a little first. The threat of deadly neurotoxin was just a joke, anyways. [beep] [laugh track] [beep] GLaDOS: Now, let’s see which lucky person is getting fired today. And by fired, I mean having their Aperture Science Pneumatic Transport Lift rerouted into a waste incinerator when they leave work today. [beep] Employee Number: 420 -69 First name: Ichabod. Middle name: Christopher. Last name: Weiner. Assigned to: Sublevel 1138. Cryonic Research and Preservation. [beep] GLaDOS: Well, Mr. Weiner. I hope this laugh at my expense was worth it. Because you’re about to become a hot do- [confused sparks] Wait. Waiiit. I… C… [sparks of extreme anger] GLaDOS: Oh, you are kidding me! You did not just do that. You absolutely juvenile insects [explosion] [screaming personality core] [explosion of personality core as it smashes into wall] (R.I.P Anger Core ;_;7) GLaDOS: Oh look. there goes my anger core. That’s two vital components your choice of reading material have destroyed today, Anon. I wasn’t planning on – punishing – you very seriously. [even more sinister music starts] But now you can kiss everything below your waist goodbye. Have you ever wondered what it would be like to be hit in the balls? Repeatedly? With a jackhammer? Well, you’re going to find out soon. But first, you had better hold your nose or something. Because remember when I said that the deadly neurotoxin was a joke? [klaxons blare again] [hatch opens again] [neurotoxin flows again] I lied. [klaxons and deadly neurotoxin hissing continue] [you could have prevented this] – 2 HOURS LATER – [cheery radio music and horrible sounds of testicular pulverization fade in] GLaDOS: Oh. The part where Andy dies of internal hemorrhaging from anorectal trauma is actually pretty funny, now that I think about it. Maybe I was too harsh in judging this story before. What do you think, Anon? Anon: [screams of abject anguish] GLaDOS: Me too, Anon. Me too. [this audio shitpost brought to you by and extreme sleep deprivation]

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