It’s Hard to Be Sexy When You Have Allergies – Mia Jackson
02
March

By Adem Lewis / in , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , /


– I was engaged
for a really long time. And we finally set a date for me to move
out of his house, so– – [audience laughing] – No, I’m fine. I’m fine. Like I knew pretty early
I did not need to get married. Like I knew, but sometimes
you gotta give yourself nine years to trust your gut,
you know? – [audience laughing] – Like…”If I just hold on,
he’s gonna change.” And he did. He changed the locks,
so, um… – [audience laughing] – This is, you know–
I’m okay. So, when I got
out of the relationship, it was really hard for me, ’cause I had to try
to flirt with people. And I’m not a good flirter. I don’t have the voice for it. I also have real bad allergies. – [audience laughing] – And you just can’t walk up
on dudes and just be like, “Hey, how you doing?” [snorts] Uh! – [audience laughing] – “Hey, put your number
in my phone. Ah, uh.” Like I found out it doesn’t
matter how big your titties are when your nose
is always running, alright. – [audience laughing]
– Like nobody cares. They do not. Nobody is ever like,
“Let me holler at the big titty snotty nose
bitch.” Like ain’t nobody–
– [audience laughing] – Nobody saying that. They’re not. But I also– I never know when people are
trying to flirt with me. Like I can never tell. So, one day, I’m at the gym. I’m on the treadmill,
and I got it turned all the way up to zero. But like–
– [audience laughing] – I did that for the resistance. So, like– – [audience laughing] – Just trying to build up
my butt, so… I tripped… and I fell off the machine. – [audience laughs] – But I got up real fast,
and I ran to another section to make it seem
like I was circuit training. So I started kinda–
– [audience laughing] – –like army crawling,
and I’m just like… pushing people,
and I’m kicking things. You know,
I’m just picking up weights. And so I just grabbed a weight. And like I’m just like–I’m
embarrassed, so I’m just kinda doing it like this,
like– – [audience laughing] – Like I hope nobody saw me,
right? But then there’s this dude
that’s looking at me. So, I’m like, “Okay,
I gotta entice him, alright.” So I’m kinda like
let me start body rolling. So I’m just like… – [audience laughing] – [snorting] I’m just kinda like–
like really just… you know?
– [audience laughing] – He started waving. And I was just like,
“Oh, okay.” And I was like, “Are you–
are you looking at my legs?” And he was like, “Yes,
because you’re bleeding.” – [audience laughing] – “I just saw you bust your ass
across the room. “Like ain’t nobody
looking at you. “You’re a health hazard.
Get out of here, please. Like go clean that shit up, so.” What I thought was a look
of attraction was one of concern, so I just gotta–I
gotta get better. I’ll tell you
what is not flirting, and that is–that is catcalling. This is the message, alright. – [audience applause] – It happened to me recently,
because I am adorable. And um…
– [audience laughing] – So I’m walking.
Walking down the street. And this dude, he’s just like,
“Hey!” He’s like, “Where you going?” And I was very frustrated,
because, again, adorable. And so, I just turn around,
and I was like, “Uh, home.
I’m just going home.” And he just kinda
looked me up and down, and he was like,
“Home? Okay, well, um…
be safe.” And I was like,
“What the fuck? Like ha-ha! “Who wrote that catcall? “Are you M. Night Shyamalan? “Like that was a twist ending. Like my titties were out,
what are you doing?” – [audience laughing] – “Did you just respect me?
Like what? That is not how this was
supposed to end.” – [audience laughing] – No. No. But I always get people
just saying things to me, and talking to me
any kind of way. So, alright.
I had a show. After the show, I was talking
to a woman who was white, which is fine, alright. – [audience laughing] – It’s fine. So she comes up to me,
and then she was like, “Oh my gosh.
You did so good.” And I was like, “Thank you.” And then I was like,
“Oh my God,” I was like,
“Your dress is so cute.” And then she goes,
“Thank you.” Then she paused. And I don’t know if she was
like, “Oh, I’m talking to a black person, I gotta
add some seasoning on this.” And then–
– [audience laughing] – –she turned all the way
back around and was like, “Thank you, girl, I bought this
with my tax refund! Ha! Ha! Ha!” – [audience laughing] – What are you–wh–why? Why-why–why? Like we were just talk—we were
talking norm– like what were you– And like I know that she was
trying to connect with me. But I was like, “Wow,
I don’t even do my taxes.” You know, so like–
– [audience laughing] – What are you–I don’t–
what are you doing? Like I don’t–’cause I don’t
do that to white people. I wasn’t talking to her going
like, “Hey, how was your avocado pumpkin kale whatever?” I didn’t say–
– [audience laughing] – I just gave–I just talked,
and I left, that’s what I did. So–
– [audience laughing]


16 thoughts on “It’s Hard to Be Sexy When You Have Allergies – Mia Jackson

  1. I know I’m not the only one who feels some type of way about blowing your nose after spending 30 mins creating a full beat face.
    And something about eyeliner and mascara activate your sinuses and and has your nose 👃💧

  2. Nine years? That’s a divorce sista. I lived with a woman four years, that’s my first divorce now. Only been married once and already on my second wife.

  3. I have allergies! We should army crawl on treadmills while geeked up on nasal decongestants! Mmmm-mmm, baby!

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