Lab Results – Cyanide & Happiness Shorts
16
October

By Adem Lewis / in , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , /


Well, Mr. Watson, we have your
lab results back. And, well… You’ve got Norovirus, hepatitis, tendinitis,
syphilis, and salmonella, sickle cell,
a rash; we don’t know what it is; and toxoplasma, super asthma,
better go call Make-A-Wish. You haven’t got much longer and I
haven’t finished half my list! Your brain’s arthritic, blood’s
acidic, dick hole trickles pickle juice, Your pancreas is gangrenous, my God!
Please never reproduce! You’re seizure prone and every bone
inside your body’s cancerous. Your joints go backwards, and I
lack words to explain how bad this is! Except for these words! Your taint’s inflamed, your anus
sprained, your every vein is
clogged with plaque, Your spine’s a wreck, your throat’s
infected from your neck down to
your crack! And all your poop is filled with lupus, All your shit is out of whack! Your heart’s diseased and full of
bees a single breeze could end your
measly- Life, and also measles, weevils, fecal beetles fetal, Alcoholic syndrome, chronic symptoms common to medieval people Your nose is blown, your back is thrown Your cells have unknown chromosomes, and kidney stones, and loads of Crohns, and toenail cheese, and pubic fleas, and leaky knees, and athlete’s foot, and truckers butt, one twisted nut, your liver sucks, with any luck, you’ll kick the bucket soon enooooough, Also you’re deaf!


100 thoughts on “Lab Results – Cyanide & Happiness Shorts

  1. While it's incredibly impressive you got Kevin Murphy on here, he just doesn't sound right unless he's making fun of a terrible movie or bullying a janitor.

  2. The song they're parodying

    I am the very model of a modern Major-General,
    I've information vegetable, animal, and mineral,
    I know the kings of England, and I quote the fights historical
    From Marathon to Waterloo, in order categorical;[a]
    I'm very well acquainted, too, with matters mathematical,
    I understand equations, both the simple and quadratical,
    About binomial theorem I'm teeming with a lot o' news,
    With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse.

    I'm very good at integral and differential calculus;
    I know the scientific names of beings animalculous:
    In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
    I am the very model of a modern Major-General.

    I know our mythic history, King Arthur's and Sir Caradoc's;
    I answer hard acrostics, I've a pretty taste for paradox,
    I quote in elegiacs all the crimes of Heliogabalus,
    In conics I can floor peculiarities parabolous;
    I can tell undoubted Raphaels from Gerard Dows and Zoffanies,
    I know the croaking chorus from The Frogs of Aristophanes!
    Then I can hum a fugue of which I've heard the music's din afore,[b]
    And whistle all the airs from that infernal nonsense Pinafore.

    Then I can write a washing bill in Babylonic cuneiform,
    And tell you ev'ry detail of Caractacus's uniform:[c]
    In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
    I am the very model of a modern Major-General.

    In fact, when I know what is meant by "mamelon" and "ravelin",
    When I can tell at sight a Mauser rifle from a javelin,[d]
    When such affairs as sorties and surprises I'm more wary at,
    And when I know precisely what is meant by "commissariat",
    When I have learnt what progress has been made in modern gunnery,
    When I know more of tactics than a novice in a nunnery –
    In short, when I've a smattering of elemental strategy –
    You'll say a better Major-General has never sat a gee.[e]

    For my military knowledge, though I'm plucky and adventury,
    Has only been brought down to the beginning of the century;
    But still, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
    I am the very model of a modern Major-General.

  3. not only did they get a voice actor to sing all that, but they also put the lyrics expecting someone else could do it

  4. Me after going through the comments;
    "Is seriously nobody going to mention the fact that the voice actor for the Doctor is Tom Servo from Mystery Science Theatre 3000?!?!"

  5. Well, Mr. Watson, we have your lab results back. And, well…

    You’ve got…Norovirus, hepatitis, tendinitis, syphilis And salmonella, sickle cell, a rash we don’t know what it is And toxoplasma, super asthma, better go call Make-A-Wish You haven’t got much longer and I haven’t finished half my list!

    Your brain’s arthritic, blood’s acidic, dick hole trickles pickle juice Your pancreas is gangrenous, my God please never reproduce! You’re seizure prone and every bone inside your body’s cancerous Your joints go backwards, and I lack words to explain how bad this is!

    Except for these words!

    Your taint’s inflamed, your anus sprained, your every vein is clogged with plaque Your spine’s a wreck, your throat’s infected from your neck down to your crack! And all your poop is filled with lupus, all your shit is out of whack! Your heart’s diseased and full of bees a single breeze could end your measly, Life and also measles, weevils, fecal beetles, fetal alco-holic syndrome, chronic symptoms common to medieval people

    Your nose is blown, your back is thrown, your cells have unknown chromosomes And kidney stones and loads of Crohns and toenail cheese and pubic fleas and leaky knees, and athlete’s foot, and trucker’s butt, one twisted nut, your liver sucks, with any luck you’ll kick the bucket soon enough! Also you’re deaf!

  6. 0:32 Look how cute he is sitting there. He’s just trying to be nice and enjoy this song he can’t actually hear. Poor dude.

  7. Top 10 rappers eminem was too afraid to diss.

    he only has to reply with every disease ever and eminem will die immediately. He is the ultimate being

  8. Me: foot hurts it’s just a sprain
    My mom: it’s just a sprain
    The doctor who has multiple certificates for how good he is at his job: it’s just a sprain
    Google: * 0:05 *

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