I’m listening to you and i have all these things happening inside of me and I keep thinking “You don’t have what I have.” These feelings are like a fucking volcano right now for me. I enjoy inflicting pain on people. I am a sadistic narcissist. So very often I will externalize my internal aggression in order to… kind of… enjoy the effects on people. People are good, and they don’t deserve to be hurt. They don’t deserve to be treated that way. And that you see vulnerability and you pounce on it like a fucking lion on a gazelle Is wrong! The person with NPD, the root of their NPD is a highly traumatic, highly painful environment. Usually childhood. And it usually forms between two polarities where the child is being overtly abused and neglected and then also being spoiled in some way. That is also boundariless. So you might have an abusive father and then an apologetic, guilt-ridden mother. The father abuses and the mother overcompensates for the child. Is that child then gonna spend the rest of their life experiencing huge amounts of anxiety and depression? Yes. I have the most extreme form of narcissism. Narcissistic personality disorder. Where there is a total disruption, there’s total emotional dysregulation; emotions are inaccessible. Perhaps because they are threatening, but they are inaccessible. So I don’t emote. I have no emotions whatsoever, except a few negative emotions. Such as anger or envy, or to some extent, hatred. When I started realizing all this mess was about two years ago when I started having problems with my husband, and I just didn’t quite understand why. I’ve been trying to do everything I’ve been taught. Why is it not working? We went to a therapist in the hopes of making our relationship better. I had to push for that. She mentioned to me: “Your husband is a narcissist, and you are a codependent.” And I was like…What? What is that? Well, you know narcissist is all upon themselves. Well like yeah… And codependents… I never heard codependency before, that word. And So I went online I put into a search engine, “codependency” because she mentioned that I was a codependent and then I found out about codependency and later I start finding out about narcissism. I’m a narcissist so my main motivation is what is called “narcissistic supply”. Essentially, attention. Narcissistic supply is a fancy name for attention. I’m also getting money, but that’s a secondary consideration. Narcissistic supply (attention) is what I use to regulate my sense of self-worth. My sense of self-worth, as opposed to normal people or healthy people. fluctuates constantly, it’s labile, it goes up and down. And when it’s down, it’s very down. So I need to regulate it, I need to stabilize it by having people telling me that I am as fantastic, as grandiose, as omniscient, as omnipotent, as brilliant, and as perfect as I imagine myself to be. (seminar attendee): Do you think that people have to compliment you because you do feel that you are superior actually? I believe that you believe it. I believe that you believe it. *quietly*: What does it mean? However, it is completely irrelevant to me what you believe. They are addicted to attention, adulation, adoration. You have to look up them. And you do, because they are really wonderful in the beginning. You are just blown away. “This is the best man I’ve ever known.” And then they become your worst nightmare. What you are doing is you are giving them what they need. They give you what you want, which is this like “Cinderella-dream” thing. And then, what’s happening is that they can make you addicted to this love bombing thing. And then, the mask falls, because they feel “Oh, I got her, I can chill now. I can relax. I can let me be myself”. They call it the mask. Now, the mask starts to fall, and you start to see these cracks. And they start to slip up. “Oh, I don’t want to go with your family to dinner. Who wants to meet your family?” “Your friend is an asshole.” And they start to criticize things in your life that are important to you because they feel threatened by it because they have to overpower you and control everything that’s important to you. They take it as a criticism if you counter anything they say. It’s a bad idea doing anything to a narcissist that threatens their hyper-idealised self-image because they will punish you very severely. You can be punished by a narcissist simply for existing without needing them. They can find that threatening. You can be punished by a narcissist simply for saying politely “No, I don’t wish to do that.” It’s an extremely cruel internal world in which they live. Which is why that cruelty is mirrored outwards to their victims. My then-boyfriend had tried to kill me more than once. I didn’t understand. I didn’t understand this was all a game. And I didn’t understand it was a really dangerous game. “By force or by guile, you will play this game with me or I will destroy you and kick you out my little world.” I had a car, and he jumped into my car, and he came in. I don’t know why I Iet him get into the driver side. And we started to drive towards the Brooklyn Bridge, and he told me he was gonna run us off the bridge and kill us. That was the first time I had ever bagged for my life. It’s a haunted house. The narcissist personality is a haunted house, so you need ghostbusters, not therapists. In order for me to live a life where I’m abusing people without ever being wrong. How is that? You have to have a truly insane psychotic level of a break with reality and you are constantly ducking and diving… they are like ninjas, like psychological ninjas trying to dodge the laser beams of responsibility. Where somebody would say… “Hey, that doesn’t even make sense. How could you be…?” If the person (the target) was a perfect idealised version on Monday, how could they be devalued on Friday? “That means you are wrong.” “Well, I’m never wrong.” For me, I’m a sucker for love. LIke a love addict. It becomes a toxic love because once they are done love bombing you, they’re secure in you and know that they have you, that’s when it turns around. They begin to abuse you, take advantage, hurt you, verbally assault you, rage on you, cheat on you, do all kinds of things to destroy you. And by then, you’ve become addicted to this “golden period” and hoping to get it back. “What have I done? How can I get that love back?” That’s not real love. Real love doesn’t just treat you like crap after they’ve treated you well. It passes time and with a narcissist, it’s not like that. The NPD goes through a sense of shame and failure that they didn’t manage to maintain that source of supply; because they were left. They will go through rage (narcissistic rage) because that person had the temerity to leave them. Somewhere in there, I’m pretty sure there will be just plain old, boring, standard, common-or-garden, to the narcissist this is all incredibly insulting, sadness. The sadness of a mere mortal who simply misses their mate. That that leaks through, will be countered in the narcissist’s self by huge amounts of rage and huge amounts of self-loathing. “How dare they make me feel sadness?” “How dare they make me feel a human emotion?” So their rage to their victim will become even stronger. Their shame and their determination to never let this happen again will become stronger. They will actually become more abusive through the experience. Whereas a neurotypical person, when we grieve, when we feel sadness, you can become more humble. You can become more open. You can become more compassionate to other people. Not so for the NPD. I would map the person, and then if I’m so inclined, inclined to inflict pain, then I would push highly specific buttons. Penetrate through highly specific chinks, through highly specific routes to reach the core and inflict, usually pretty substantial, damage. I felt that she has tried a lot of techniques to sort of push my buttons, to make me panic. She was trying to create a situation where she can make me react and confuse me and maybe draw me back in. Or something. And I think she has tried a lot of things. She used finances, she used where we staying. All these things. And now the children are coming into the situation, I can feel it. I think she can do something with the children. And I don’t know how far she can go. But I wouldn’t be surprised if she did something totally crazy. Had I grown up in a functional, functioning family with functional parents and so on and so forth. I think I would have been a delightful kid and a happy adult. I operate at 10% of my capacity because I have to dedicate 90% to futile pursuits such as obtaining supply. Such as coping with my rage. Such as regulating my sense of self-worth, my ups and downs. Such as coping with my mood disorders and with my lability. It’s depleting to be me. It’s depleting. It’s energy consuming and there’s nothing left there for creativity, for happiness, for interrelatedness, for having a good time. Nothing is left there for this. When I met my husband he was a sex toy designer, of all things, right? I met a person that is, oh wow, super open with sexuality. He wants to be intimate. When he moved with me, a couple months before moving in with me he started rejecting me sexually from one day to another. That was his point of control, because he knew that was my trauma. My trauma was having been with a previous man who rejected me sexually, too. And that takes a hit in your self-esteem. A regular person who doesn’t have all these issues with intimacy, they can just hold you. Anytime it’s with a narcissist, there’s a physical distance, it becomes a power trip. The closeness scares them so bad that they will do anything to get away from you after. It is such an awkward feeling to be a woman or a man and feel this rejection. After all that matter that you tell them that they are good lovers. Anything that happens to you is utterly–and I want you to understand, I’m using the I’m using the word “utterly” judiciously. Utterly alien to me. Utterly. I have no more mentally in common with you; then I have with a, let’s say, with a long-necked giraffe. They have an internal judge; we call it an inner critic or psychiatry would call it the superego. That is saying “are you doing a good job of garnering narcissistic supply and maintaining the god-like false image or are you failing?” And they are either succeding and appeasing the angry god, or they’re failing. And it makes them feel absolutely worthless. Their anxiety is, and I don’t think it’s too much to say, purely abandonment anxiety. Their depression is purely narcissistic depletion. What I call love is a combination of, actually fear, fear of abandonment and fear of losing supply and disintegration. Coupled with… kind of gratitude to the source for maintaining me. The red flags of narcissistic abuse are something you feel, rather than see. The interaction with the person will lead to a sense of anxiety, and a sense of potential danger. Even though you can’t see the danger. And a kind of self-doubt. Where you’re going “hm, this seems to this way, but they are saying this, but it makes me feel different to what they are saying”. They could be telling you something nice and paying you a compliment, but somehow you feel threatened. They could be saying that they are doing something for you, making a sacrifice for you, and yet you feel ripped off. You feel conned. So if you outright take revenge on them, deliberately make an effort to take revenge on them, they will make a project of you. They will make a project of punishing you. I have no home because he promised me to… “Baby, don’t get a home because you’re gonna be getting one with me, so you don’t have to.” So when I fly back from this trip to London, I am going back to no home. He ruined my life. If one were to decide to take revenge on a narcissist, to be so foolish. What one would need to do would be to shift from the prey mindset to the predator mindset. This is an alien way of thinking to the codependent. Totally alien. If you seek revenge, dig two graves. And that’s very true. The only thing you can have with prolonged contact with a narcissist is insanity. You will go insane. If you do it for years on end, you will become as sick, in a different way, as the NPD personality. You will have a complete traumatic break with reality. I would really wanna rip him physically apart little by little. Maybe that’s because what it feels like that he had been doing. Like skinning. Layer and layer. I always say that for you to be a decent human being in Nazi Germany would have required you to have therapy. Because it was a psychopathic society. And that would have meant that being decent is a maladaptation. “You are sick! If you’re decent, something is wrong with you.” I’m redundant to a narcissist. They don’t need me. We could sit here and inside of five minutes come up with multiple ways of exploiting vulnerable people. If we chose to, if we were sick and psychopathic, we could do that. We don’t need to sit through a 2-day seminar to do that. The only people who need to sit through a 2-day seminar are those who are looking to heal, because that’s difficult. Abusing people is extremely easy. I think, all in all, we are a very bad mistake. Catastrophic and critical mutation. Which is, frankly, overtaking the gene pool, the white house, and other places. You should seek to have as little contact with them as possible. And I mean, little, literally. Whatever communication you have with them. If you send them a text, less words are better. If you have to speak to them, less words is better. If it’s a phone call, make it a shorter phone call. I’m not being facetious or pedantic. Any and all communication and any and all information you give is ammunition and it will all be used or could be used against you at a later date. Diminish contact as rapidly and as fully as you possibly can. My 36 years, I have to cut them and start from zero basically but now with all this and with the knowledge that I have… I think it puts me into a place where I can… I know now. I need to come out of the situation. And like I said, the only thing holding me back is…How do I do that carefully and causing less stress for the children? And then how do I maintain a good relationship with them? I’m in denial. I can’t have the good without the bad. And I just need to heal and recover and eventually… I have faith that God will send me a normal person. Healthy, I hope! I help people to diagnose what narcissistic abuse is; it’s effect, help them to heal from it so they walk away from the subject. I don’t want them on forums in ten years time obsessing over NPD. I want them to go and live their lives and move on.