‘Not Great’: Lauren tries Leech Therapy, a Vaginal Steam, and a Russian Platza Massage
12
March

By Adem Lewis / in , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , /


[LIVELY UPBEAT MUSIC] Hi. I’m Lauren. I’m surrounded by strong,
fearless, powerful women. I work for one. I’m even married to one. And yet, I’m scared
of most things. Climb on, Lauren. A lot of people say,
climb on, Lauren. [SCREAMING] So I decided–
because they told me to– that it was time
to face my fears, get out of my comfort
zone, try new things, see if I can’t cry for a day. Why? Because I have a little bit
of a stomach lining left and I thought, I
should get rid of that. Each week, I’m going
to have two choices. Whatever I don’t pick
goes to the next week. Whenever I do pick,
I do immediately. This week, my choices are– extreme beauty
treatments or singing at a stranger’s wedding. Wow. OK. I’m going to pick
beauty treatments. OK, that’s going to
be a Russian platza treatment, vaginal
steam, and leech therapy. How’s that all sound? Not great. Do you digitally
take the chins out? Hi, welcome. Hi. How are you doing today? I’m good. How are you? I’m good. Ready for your traditional
platza treatment? Yeah. What is that? So I’m going to take
you into the banya. You’re going to lay
on your stomach. I’m going to beat
you with some oak leafs for about four minutes. And then, right
after, we’re going to douse you in some ice water. Oh, yeah. That sounds really fun. What’s with the hat? That’s going to protect you
from the heat inside the banya. How hot is it? 220 degrees. That’s too hot. And why would a person do that? Well, it’s going to help you
relieve any muscle tensions. You’re going to relax. The leaves will take
away any oily skin. So what’s your name? I’m Anthony. Anthony. I’ve never had anyone beat me
without telling me their name first. I gotcha. You can step right in. All right. Bye, Anthony. I’ll see you in there. OK. All righty. You ready? No. Hi, Anthony. Hello. I moved the hat. Are you ready for me to
beat you with some leaves? Oh god. Oh. Oh. OK. Oh. Totally normal. How’s that feel? Very relaxing. What’s, like, the average-sized
person who does this? Are these big dudes– [INTERPOSING VOICES] They’re usually
big, Russian men– Yeah, yeah. –that drink lots
of vodka and beer. Well, we have some
things in common. How was this discovered? Who was, like, beating someone
with an oak branch and they were like, you look amazing? So are these used
on other people or do you use new
ones each time? We– am I supposed to
tell you the truth? These have been used on
someone else already. What? Who? Some Russian man. This has taken a turn. All righty. So since we just were
in the 220 degrees, we’re going to douse you
with the three buckets of ice and that’s going to help
with your circulation. You’re sure? No! I don’t [BLEEP]. I don’t– [SCREAMING] Holy [BLEEP]. [? Oh my god. ?]
[? Oh my god. ?] Oh, my god. [SCREAMING] [BLEEP] Holy [BLEEP]! That’s cold! How are you feeling? I’m not sure I want to
be speaking to you right now, Anthony. So we are coming to the
end of your treatment. Oh, what a shame. Anthony? Yeah? I have an idea. The tables have turned, Anthony. Oh, boy. Are you ready for
your treatment? Uh– Nice, right? Yeah. This is a traditional
Russian massage. And these have been used
by seven different people. And let me just put this
where it’s supposed to go– bink! Bye, Anthony. Think about what you’ve done. OK. Well, I don’t know
how else to say this, but I’m going to get
my vagina steamed. My name is Marisa. I’m a certified vaginal
steam facilitator. Is that what CVS stands for? That’s a good one. I never thought about that. Yeah, well, here I am. To give you a background of
what vaginal steaming is– it’s also known
as yoni steaming. Yoni is the Sanskrit word
for, “The sacred gateway.” It’s an ancient
women’s medicine. It’s super relaxing. It’s like taking a hot bath. All right. So I’m going to go ahead
and have you fill this out. And that way, it
gives me better idea of what herbs to use for you. OK. All right? Thank you. Sure. Client name– Lauren. That is an easy one. Are you currently
on your period? I am not. Do you currently
have fresh spotting? I do not. Do you have an
infection characterized with a burning itch? Marisa! No, and nor would
I say so on camera. So the reason why I ask these
is if any of this was true, then we would not
steam you today. I think it’s
because you’re nosy. Do you have a birth
control arm implant? Lesbian. Do you have herpes? No! Vaginal discharge? Do you have green,
yellow, white, thick, unpleasant-smelling? No. Be right back. Bye, old baginey. Get ready to be
transformed into a new one. We had a good run. Right there is the steam stool. Steam stool? Yes. So it’s just like a regular pot. Mm-hmm. I have very similar
pots at home. Yeah. So if it’s ever too hot, feel
free to lift up the skirt and just wave it out. Oh! Good morning! So basically, what
you’re going to do– Oh, my god. You’re going to
straddle over it. It should feel good. OK. Oh, god. How is the temperature so far? Is awkward a way to
describe a temperature? You’re going to have to seat. How do I know that I’m
sitting in the right position? Are you comfortable? No. So go ahead and
position yourself so that you’re comfortable. So– How do you feel? Like, not great. Is there ever, like, a
little butt action too, by accident, or no? Possibly, yeah. Good. I’m just curious. Not that that’s
happening right now. I’m going to go
ahead and step out so you can go ahead and
continue with this meditative experience. OK. All right? Thank you. You’re welcome. Yep. Whew! Sweating. OK. How you doing? Everything all right? I know. It’s warm. I’m just going to say
words that mean vagina– make the time go faster. Yoni– I learned that one today. Hooha, vajayjay,
coochie-coochie, lady liberty. My mom texted. Sorry, Mom. Can’t talk right now. Getting my vagina
Stanley Steamer-ed. Lady bits, lady parts, lady
flower, steam receptor. Whew! I’ve got good news. I found my keys. I think it’s clean. How are you feeling? Steamed. All right. So I’m going to go
ahead and turn this off. Why so soon? You liking it? Steamed out, cleaned out– like a new woman. Nice. Did I do good? You did excellent. Do we, like, hug
now or how does it– Yeah, sure! OK. Feels right. Oh, hi! Hi, Lauren! Hi! Nice to meet you. You too, I think. Can I show you my
little healers? Oh, god. OK– I don’t think I’ve
ever seen a leech– If I can do it, you can do it. That’s not true. So what do you think
for the beauty, huh? A little bit here? Uh-huh. How about a little here? Yeah. I’m being told, yes. So before I place leeches,
with your permission, I would like to check
your abdominal area, yeah? My life is not my own. You want to check if
there is any tension, OK? Oh, you’re going to
find a lot of tension. Looks good, looks good. Yeah? Yeah. Like, one of the better
ones you’ve seen? So we’re going to start
placing leeches first in your belly button. And actually, it’s
very beneficial before we place leeches to place
some cupping on your tummy. That, I’ve always wanted to try. It’s just a cup. Oh, gosh. So I’m going to be
in your belly button. Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh That’s not nothing! So we bring lymphatic
fluid and blood closer to the surface
of the skin, which is good for the body. It’s good for the
leeches, it sounds like. I am about to feed some leeches. OK. I feel it. Oh, I feel it. Oh, it’s moving. You feel a little
tingling, right? Yes, I feel that, yes. Yeah. They love this place. This is one of the biologically
active spots on the body. Do they ever get lost
in the belly button– No. –come out another hole
or anything like that? No. I don’t know. OK, so now, we’re
going to work– Oh, god. –with your face. Do they stay there? Oh, yeah. They stay there? So what I’m going to
ask you to do yourself, kind of rub a little
bit your skin. If they come across any
of those pesky chin hairs, can they rip those out
while they’re up there too? OK, so let’s see– Oh, god. Oh, god. Is that one? I can’t see. You don’t have to see. Oh, I do. The more relaxed you are,
the easier they will attach. Look good luck to me! But relax. There’s just a leech
attaching to your face. [MUSIC – LIONEL RICHIE, “STUCK
ON YOU”] (SINGING) Stuck on you. You feel it? Yep. There she is. So this is a live pharmacy. It’s antibacterial,
anti-inflammatory. It’s also very good for the
beautiful collagen build-up. Yeah. And you do it yourself? Of course. And you’re– Not old. –in your 90s? You look great. You look great. Thank you. (SINGING) Needed a friend. And the way I feel now, I guess
I’ll be with you till the end. Let me know if you feel it. Yeah, I feel it. She’s on. Perfect. Oh, my god. Why did– what is happening? Shh. Quiet. OK. If I don’t look 14
when this is done– oh, god. I’m sorry. No, you’re not. That’s it. Oh, god. So what it does– it helps to
improve circulation to the skin so you have good skin
color, but you already have beautiful skin color. Oh, too late for
that compliment. She released her tail, so
she’s ready to leave your body. I’m ready to leave my body. Bye, number three. I’m going to put the mask and
so it would hold the cotton. And am I keeping this on
for the rest of the day? Mm-hmm. Oh, I am? Mm-hmm. Going out to Trader Joe’s– it’s LA. It’s LA. Everyone has this. Yeah. They’d be like, oh, you got
your leeches done today? So what are recommendations
after the treatment, OK– we don’t recommend next day
to do rigorous exercises. Guess the marathon’s out then. Shoot! I’ll just stay at
home and watch TV. How do you feel? Do you feel anything? I just feel confused about
a lot of my life choices. So what I do, in order
not to pull the leech– this is alcohol and leeches
don’t like alcohol, so. I do not have that in
common with leeches. Very normal day
at the workplace. Well, I think I learned a lot. I’ve experienced a great deal. And I think I’m happy I did it. We’ll see what
tomorrow may bring. I didn’t cry. That’s a win, you know.


100 thoughts on “‘Not Great’: Lauren tries Leech Therapy, a Vaginal Steam, and a Russian Platza Massage

  1. A banya Is just a fancy sauna where you have a surf vihdoin vihdoin vihdoin. I've finally whipped myself with boughs of silver birch.

  2. 🌟I love "Not Great Lauren!" I want her to be my new BFF! She is hilarious! Best addition to Ellen in ages! Just to put it out there, I don't watch much TV, so I don't know how long she has been doing these 'bits' but Lauren is definitely worth watching! 🌟💞 We need more, Not Great Lauren! 💞 We need more, Not Great Lauren! 💞 We need more, Not Great Lauren!💞

  3. The. Best. Video. On. YouTube. 😂😂😂😂 well, the second best, kristen bell and dax trying to play that food game is the best

  4. Oohhhhh my god I literally do not think I could HANDLE the leeches. Thank you for going through that FOr me ahaha, oh gosh, NO just NOPE from me! :') Thanks aha, hope you don't have to do any of that again ! 😛

  5. Is there another “Not Great with Lauren” coming out?? This one is amazing and I keep looking for the next but haven’t found anything!

  6. Idk how I got here but I'm glad I got here 😂 man I bet you're regretting not singing at that strangers wedding now lol

  7. The "steam" is a complete lie, and thank goodness for that. What is hitting her is condensed water, not steam. Steam would instantly condense, giving up 540 calories per gram, which would cause instant, severe burns. So, it's just warm water. Just take a shower.

  8. "Do they uumm ever get lost like in the bellybutton "
    Lady:"Haha no"
    "Like do they come out of other hole or something ".

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