Laugh! (drum beat)
Laugh! (drum roll)
Laugh! (20th Century Fox intro music) (drum beat)
Laugh! Hello everybody and welcome back to Jacksepticeye’s Funniest Home Videos! The world’s number one source for laughs. See, you thought I was going to do it there, didn’t you? You thought I was going to do the laugh immediately. Well I can’t, can I? There’s no “LAUGH” on the board! There’s nothing on the board! It’s all empty, what do you want from me? My-My light’s broke. I didn’t- I didn’t get it fixed. My light is…still broken. But hey! At least I’m alive! Remember when I died a couple of weeks ago? (stuffy announcer voice)
PREVIOUSLY, ON JACKSEPTICEYE… Apparently I died. Yeah, I’m back everyone. I know: “Thank god!” Or… fuckin’ hell… I’m back alive because I’ve got my patented SepticJuice. It tastes like laughs, tears, and happiness. Actually, tastes like ASS… But in celebration of my return, my true return to form, to host this show… Yes, after many a petition signed by people online I’m back. Last week’s host, was a piece of shit. He was horrible, he was terrible at it. So, we’ve heard your cries, the stockholders of Jacksepticeye’s Funniest Home Videos. (right in the mic)
Of which there are many. Have all come back to me and said that they want me back. Even after my controversies. Even after I smacked that child. People still want me back. People know what they want. People know how to have fun. So, let’s do it together. You all know our theme song! Sing along! L is for Lovers, who love one another! A is for Ass, of which I like to eat! U is for You’re the only one for me! G is for the only Gamer I see! H is for Happy, I always feel it! When you put ’em together, what do you get? (thud)
LAUGH! That was only one, on the laugh scale… I’m losing my touch. It’s been a long time since I’ve LAUGHED Alright elves! I hope you were all still working by the way… …even when I was dead. I hope that you were all out there finding some fun, funny, fun fur clips! For me to react to, okay, ’cause I’m, even in death, I was working. I was working on my escape from hell! And I was coming all the way back. Satan couldn’t control me. He couldn’t hold on to me for too long. Um, nice guy though. Yeah. Reeaal good at cricket. And he makes a fucking mean grilled cheese sandwich. (video music plays) Ho-ly shit… Oh my god… Wait, what the fuck is up with this this guy? What is going on in this clip? There is so much happening that my brain is so confused… Look at him go! He’s like a fucking video game character! Holy god… And why is this guy wearing like an… Wait, okay, stop for a second. (laughs) Ohh… Only in Asia, man. This is fucking great quality TV. I need some of this on the Jacksepticeye Variety Channel. I need to create my own like. We have Jacksepticeye’s Funniest Home Videos, okay? The first show of its kind. So we also need to make Jacksepticeye Ninja Warriors. I think that that would be a great hit. I think that that would go very, very far. (laughs) But not only is this guy powering through it, the other guy looks like he’s from the fuckin’ Hurt Locker. He looks like Jeremy Renner, he looks like he’s about to dispose of some IEDs. I didn’t even check what time… (laughs) this fucking guy… Looking all like a character from Ghost in the Shell. Wait, what time does he actually get at the end of it? This requires some INSANE stamina and balance and skill. He was at 13 there, what did he get total? Okay, just don’t fucking tell me.
Blueballs me like that. The whole clip is 20 seconds long. So, it’s at least less than 20 seconds. It’s like, 16 seconds that he did that whole thing in. I can barely even get out of bed in the morning. And this guy is like powering through the world. (liquid sound) Oh, that’s good SepticJuice! Yes, breathing life into me again once more. More clips please, bring them in, I’m fucking ready! And don’t get me wrong, that last clip was very good. It was very fun, I had a great time. I-I chuckled a little bit, on the inside. More on the inside than on the outside, okay? I’m a hard man to make laugh. And… you need audio, I need audio in my clips. If I don’t have audio in my clips I’m not going to (thud) LAUGH! I got two that time! MY POWER IS RETURNING! This clip was sent to us by our… none other than, our in-house Variety Channel editor… Robin Pixlpit!! (Yay! Go Robin!) Everybody! Three cheers for Robin Pixlpit!
(polite cheering noises) Yes! Let-Let’s give it up in chat, okay? This one is called Robot Meme Instagram… By… Blake Webber? Okay. Let’s see- Let’s see how funny this is. (Robot) Aww hell yeah dude. I can’t wait to exit this fuckin’ laboratory and go kill all these human beings! (Jack laughs)
(Robot) Aww, fuck, a door. (Robot) Hey Tommy!
(Robot Tommy) What’s good fam? (Robot) Do you mind opening this door for me with your terrifying snake robot arm… (Jack laughing) Ah, jesus.
(Robot) …so we can kill all these human beings? (R. Tommy) Ah defs fam let me just take a look here. Yep. (Jack) I’ve seen this clip normally.
(R. Tommy) I see we have our standard handle here. (R. Tommy) Let me get up a little closer… here we go… clamping… there we are… (R. Tommy) Let me pull this bitch open like that right there. (Robot) Hurry up dude we gotta kill dem humans! (R. Tommy) I’m going dude, let me get my snake arm around here and… alright there you go! (Jack) That’s fuckin gr-
(Robot) Thanks Tommy! I can’t wait to kill all these humans, dude! We’re gonna kill them all!
(R. Tommy) Me too, dude… (R. Tommy) I say we just kill them hard in ways that are soo painful that they can’t even comprehend… (laughs)
Ahh, that’s good editing. I like that a lot. That’s very, very good. Well first off, it’s just a really cool concept for a video. But the mixing on that is really good. That’s the thing that puts off a lot of videos. A lot of people can’t mix their audio properly into their scene. Umm…This is very good. Yes, hello, welcome. I am here to break down, the science behind the memes. The science behind what makes a really good, dubbed-over, meme video. Welcome to the Jacksepticeye Variety Channel. But wait, there’s more. (Robot) Aww, here we go, another day at the lab, dude, just gotta open this fucking door. (Robot) Let’s see what we got here. (Robot) Yeah, the standard door handle and HEY! What are you doing, CARL? (Robot) Let go dude! I’m trying to open the door. Fuck! (Robot) dsthft! CARL! FUCK! (Laughter)
Ahh, I love it… I mean, shocker, the things that start screaming and swearing are the things that make me laugh the most. Who knew, who, who out there knew? That that’s what made Jacksepticeye laugh? I…sure didn’t. (laughs) That’s very good, though. Again, the mixing! It’s so fuckin’ fun. (Robot) Seriously, lemme just get this thing ope…[gasp]! (Robot) Don’t try to shut the fuckin’ door Carlton! I’m tryna kill the humans! (Robot) Lemme just get this shit…fuck!
Dude, lemme use my snake-robot arm… (Jack) He sounds like a South Park character…
(Robot) …just ahh slide it open…[gasps]! (Robot) What are you doing, dude?! Stop!
Stop it dude, no! Don’t pull on my string! (Robot) [screams] My ass! Dude, stop it!
Carl, stop dude. Seriously! (Robot) Such a dick! You pull off my ass and now I gotta reset and shit? (Robot) Dude, fuck…
(Jack, laughing) You pull off my ass, dude? Fuck! Oh, this is fucking great! (Robot) Carl, don’t you dare come fucking near me dude, you fucking asshole… (Robot) I’m gonna kill humans and you might be first…
(Jack) Oh yes, I love this robot! (Robot) I just gotta pick up this box and move it a little bit over there… (Robot) Let me just grab it, yep. What’s up, Todd? What are you doin’? HEY! (Robot) Dude what’s that – HEY what are you doin’, dude? Why would you do that? (Robot) I’m just tryna move my box…
What the hell, dude? (Robot) WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SHIT, TODD? Why are you being a dick, dude!? (Jack laughing) Okay, I’m a simple man. This is fucking great.
I like this a lot. This is so fun. (Robot) I literally never did anything to you, and you’re just being a fuckin’ dick, dude. (Robot) Stop it! Lemme just pick up my box…
Don’t come near…! FUCK! GOD! SHIT! (Robot) You’re being unreasonable, dude. Stop it!
(Jack) Fucking. Todd. (Robot) Seriously, Todd, don’t move my box anymore, dude! I just wanna fuckin’ do my job… Fuckin’ Todd. He has to be Canadian, okay?
Absolute asshole with his hockey stick… ‘Cause everything’s hockey to a Canadian, isn’t it? Just let the robots live, Todd.
Let them do what they want…fuckin’ Todd. (Robot) Okay, where’s my surprise, Todd- WHAT TH-TH-THE FUCK!? (Robot) OHHH! My face!
You know I can’t catch myself if I fall on my face, Todd! (Jack laughing)
Ohh that’s good! He even muffled the voice? (laughing) This is fucking great.
Why have I never seen this before? (Robot) Jesus! Oww! It hurts so bad!
You know what dude? I’m fuckin’ done, dude. (Robot) I’m out this bitch. Fuck you, Todd.
There’s nothing you can do to stop me… (Robot) I’m on my way, right now, to fuck your wife, Todd. (Robot) And then I’mma kill her. Then I’mma kill you. And then I’mma kill all the fuckin’ humans. (Jack laughing) Fucking Todd. That’s what you get, Todd! He’s going out there, he’s gonna fuck your wife and kill all humans… (laughs) Ahh that was good, thank you Robin.
Robin, you get the award for… Elf of the Day! You get the top honor for Jacksepticeye’s Funniest Home Videos! (clapping) Give it up for Robin, everybody!
Yes! Elf of the Day! Top clip donator of the day.
If you wanna be top clip Elf of the Day all you gotta do is submit your clips to…
This joke has no end. (laughs) FUCKIN’ TODD! I’m just out here trying to do my job!
You’re out here pushin’ me on my face! (Energetic muffled cursing) Here on the Jacksepticeye Variety Channel, it’s not just about making…mediocre content, okay? It’s also about sharing some of the great content with the world. It’s about…it’s about giving shoutouts, you know? In all these years, they didn’t give shoutouts to people…
and finally, here…doing it. Thank you. Thank you. Yes. (crickets)
Please, hold your – no one’s clapping? Cool. This is something that came out a long time ago when Undertale came out, so it’s about 4 year…well, about 3½ years old now at this point.
It’s called Underfail… …and I fucking love this. It’s made by… I have never known how to say their name… Keh-kay?
French artist! They’re very good. I’ve seen a lot of their stuff on Tumblr and Twitter before. And I fucking love their style. You’ve probably seen some of their stuff as well. But I wanted to show off this one, because this is my favorite one that they’ve done, I think. Maybe ’cause I’m just partial to a little bit of Undertale. Ha ha. You’re gonna have a bad time, am I right guys?
(snorts) Got ’em. (Video music plays) So this is the synopsis of the ENTIRETY of Undertale. (laughs) (character voice)
I’m Flowey! (Jack voice)
Fuck off, ads! (laughter) “Please don’t hurt people.” (laughter) Oh god…
It’s so good! (laughter) Wha- so much is happening! “Let’s do some sport.” (laughs) How do you keep going? Determination!
I CAN FEEL IT! Everybody’s so round, and cute. (laughs) Ohh…so good. (laughs) Even fighting Sans. That’s it. That’s (laughs)…
That’s the whole video. That’s all it is. It’s so fucking good! How do you sum up the entirety of Undertale in a minute just by having characters go like this and then occasionally go… It’s so fucking good. I love that. Keh-kay! Or Keek….or…..uh Keukeu…
Whatever your name is (chuckles) …please keep up the good work, I fucking love it. Okay, enough of this shit! Alright? I’m having fun. I’m having a chuckly old time…
But I’m not LAUGHING! I’m not- I’m not doing what I’m here to do!
I’m not spreading the joy as much as I should be. All of you out there, some of you are just being like…”Hehe…(nose air)… that was- that was funny, I guess.” But no one’s…no one’s really hurting their stomachs.
No one’s bellyaching yet. Nobody’s… LAUGHING! I knocked down three that time!
The three primary colors, they are mine! It’s a sign. The government’ll try and tell you that it’s not real. They’ll go out there and they’ll try and discredit you for the conspiracy theory that you can knock down three primary colors all at once.
But think about it people. Open your eyes and see the spectrum. Open your eyes and see the prism of color. An anonymous elf out there submitted this clip today.
They didn’t even wanna be known. Maybe this one is too dangerous for the world.
It’s called, “Asthma World”. Now…I’ve no fucking idea what this is (laughs)… But I love the name of it already and as a person who has asthma… (audience gasps!) Yes, I know. Shocker to the world out there.
“How does he keep yelling, and keep screaming and keep the videos going all day, every day, if he has asthma?” You know what? I dig deep, and I fight strong. And you can go out and accomplish anything you want. It’s all the SepticJuice, that’s what…way…
It’s green in here. Is it invisible on the screen right now?
(laughs) I’m drinking- I’m drinking invisible liquid!
That’s how powerful it is. That’s how powerful I am. (Video music plays) (Key) Hey kids! Welcome to Asthma World: the insanely great guide to life with asthma. Is that…
Keegan-Michael Key? Is it….
Is he doing an infomercial about asthma? With kids?
This is already off to a weird start. (Key) It’s just for the cool kid, with asthma. (Key) Asthma is something you can deal with.
Trust me I know, because I have asthma, too. (gasp!)
What!? Keegan-Michael Key has asthma and he can still be funny like that? Just like yours truly, the legendary Gaelic Gladiator Jacksepticeye of the Jacksepticeye Variety Channel?
No way! Ah damn, next thing you’re gonna tell me is that Shaggy has asthma… and yet he’s only using a fifth of his power. Come on, man. See, you can accomplish anything. Even if you have asthma. (Key) Maybe you need to take asthma medicine, and kids start making fun of you? (Key) It really stinks, doesn’t it?
Asthma’s for dweebs, right? (Key) But wait…you’re no dweeb.
I have asthma, I’m no dweeb! Mmm….I dunno man. No one really made fun of my asthma when I was in school (laughs). I went to school and I ran around and then my breath got taken out of me and people were like, “Oh man, are you okay?” I dunno Keegan-Michael Key, if that even is your real face… I dunno if you had good friends in school… (Key) Welcome to Asthma News… (Static then Announcer Voice)
On today’s episode of Asthma World Turns… (Announcer) Josh gets some medical news… (Doctor) I’m sorry, Josh I’m afraid the main problem is your asthma. (dramatic music)
(Mom) Oh no! Not asthma! (Jack giggling)
(Doctor) Josh, make sure that if you have a cold, you take extra care of your asthma.
(Mom sobbing dramatically) (Josh) Oh brother….
(Jack laughs) What the fuck is happening? (Transatlantic Accent)
Today on Asthma News: Find out who has asthma among you. They could be living amongst us all this time. Your neighbors, your kids, your children… maybe even your dog has asthma. (Mom and Dad sobbing)
(Josh) Oh brother… (Jack laughs)
They’re acting like the kid is dying… They’re acting like his life is completely over now. “NOT ASTHMA! NO!”
God, why!? Why have you cursed us with this affliction? He’ll never walk again!
(laughs) (Doctor) Josh, are they always like this? (Josh) They can be pretty dramatic. This is a soap opera, after all. (Doctor) Good point. Why don’t you come see me later, Josh, and we’ll talk some more about this asthma stuff? (Doctor) It’s a serious disease, but I know you can handle it. (Josh) Yeah, one of my friends at school has asthma. (Doctor) Did you know several great professional bask… (Jack laughing)
He’s talking about them as they’re right next to him? Oh this is freaking great. It’s so self-aware.
It’s like, “Are they always this dramatic?” “Well doctor, it IS a soap opera and you ARE an actor, so yeah, probably.” (Jack laughs)
And they’re fucking right there. (Doctor) …etball players in the NBA have asthma? (Josh) Yeah, I heard that. (dramatic music, mom and dad sobbing)
(Josh) Oh brother… “Oh BROTHER.” I fucking love this. This is so cheesy. Yes, keep it going! (Key) Welcome to Asthma Jams – the music show for cool kids with asthma. (Key) Today we’ll be doing our favorite dance – “The Inhaler”. (Jack) Ohhh… (Key) What do we use inhalers for?
(Kid) Taking our asthma medicines. (Key) And what kinds of medicine do we take with inhalers? (Jack) Fuck yeah!
(Kid) Both kinds – controllers and relievers. (Key) Right!
(Chorus) Shake shake shake that medicine! (Chorus) Now take off the cap! Check for dust, yo!
(Jack laughing) (Chorus) Open yo mouth! And breathe out! (Chorus) Hold the inhaler….to your lips!
(DJ sound effects) (Jack laughing)
What the fucking holy god is happening!? Oh my god, I’ve seen that before in like, Vine videos when it was going around… The “Shake shake shake yo medicine”…
…I didn’t know there was a whole thing around it. Jesus christ!
This is not that catchy. This is like the “Look Both Ways Before You Cross the Street” song but now it’s for asthma. (Chorus) Now breathe in slow and press the top!
Then hold your breath ’til you count to 10! (Key) Josh, why don’t you demonstrate an inhaler with a spacer? (Jack) Oh fuck yeah! (Chorus) Shake shake shake that medicine!
Now check for dust, yo! (Chorus) Connect da spacer… to de inhaler!
(DJ sound effects) (Jack laughs) (Chorus) And breathe out! Put the opening, in your mouth! (Jack) It’s not very catchy. (Chorus) Push the top. Breathe in deep, through your mouth! (Chorus) Hold your breath until you count to 10! (Jack) Fuck yeah.
You know what kids? Taking inhalers is fuckin’ dope. If you wanna stay out there and stay lit then you just go shake shake shake your medicine… …then take off the top…
…open your mouth…. …breathe out…
…put the container to your mouth… …breathe in…count to 10!
Oh press the top – it’s not that fuckin’ hard. I’ve taken inhalers until I was like 18. And it’s not that difficult (laughs).
You just… …take off the cap and you go…
(inhales dramatically) Cool, I’m done!
(laughs) (Chorus) Now hold your breath ’til you count to 10! (Jack) FUCK YEAH! (Chorus) Hold it in…
(Key) Yeah, yeah…. (Chorus) Hold it in….’til you count to 10!
(DJ sound effects) (Jack) This is the weirdest… (Key) All our winning contestants get to take home, and keep, these wonderful asthma kits! (Key) Asthma kits are specially designed for the cool kid with asthma! (Key) You can take all your asthma stuff with you in your asthma kit. (Key) There’s plenty of room for your inhaler and spacer, your medicine, peak-flow meter (Key) and asthma diary! You can take it to the school, the park, the basketball court! (Key) Your friends house. Anywhere and everywhere you go! (Key) It’s also a great way to organize your asthma stuff at home. (Key) Congratulations! And we’ll see you next time on…Asthma Challenge! That was not his voice! (laughs) Okay, I appreciate what you’re trying to do…
You’re trying to make asthma…”cool”. Make Asthma Cool Again.
That’s the motto for the future. “Oh brother…”
(laughs) I love how they tried to make it cool and then they go through all of these steps to make it as “uncool” as possible.
Congratulations! You’ve won this asthma kit that looks like….trash. But don’t worry, you can bring all 700 products inside to make you feel like a “cool kid”. (Key) Thanks for joining us here on Asthma World. Come back anytime you want to review this cool (Key) stuff about asthma. Or if you just wanna hang out with us again. See ya! (creepy ass music shift) (sort of laughing)
Oh jesus…what the fuck? You can’t end something like this!
With a fucking LSD trip… Oh my god that video was great.
Oh I loved that. Shake shake shake your SepticJuice.
Put it to your mouth…breathe in! (gags and coughs)
You can’t breathe a liquid… (cough) I dunno about you, but as someone who suffered with asthma basically my entire YOUTH life… …this would not have made me feel better about my affliction (laughs). This looked way more uncool than anybody that has an inhaler (laughs). (Chorus) Now breathe in slow and press the top!
(DJ sound effects) He didn’t even put that in his mouth! Even he’s not- even he doesn’t wanna act this out. He was just like – “Am I doing it? I hope I’m doing it. Yes, can I get fucking paid now?” Meanwhile Keegan-Michael Key’s over here in the corner going “(vocalizes DJ sounds)” (Key) Josh, why don’t you demonstrate an inhaler with a spacer? Fuckin’ Josh knows it’s “Go Time”, okay? He’s just waiting for his, he’s waiting for his turn.
He’s waiting for the beat to drop… It’s like a fuckin’ dance battle.
Watch the determination on his face, watch it change. Oh fuck yeah!
Josh is just like “It’s fucking Go Time, bitches.” (Chorus) Take a puff. Hold it in.
(Key) Yeah, yeah! (Chorus) Hold it in.
(Jack) Yeah, yeah! Oh god, this would not work on anybody. But yes, yours truly did suffer from asthma from a very young age. I had an asthma attack when I was 7, and I was brought to the hospital. And then I was on inhalers, every day, like twice a day. In the morning and and night time.
And I just… I didn’t even have the ones that you press and THEN suck… I just had the ones that you suck and it automatically pressed it for you when it detected the suction. So it’s not that hard… it’s not that cringy, and it’s not that crazy. I mean, thankfully I grew out of it as I grew older because my asthma was not that bad. Many peoples’ asthma actually gets worse as they get older. I remember one of my brother’s friends was like, “I have asthma and it gets so much worse when you’re older. So, be prepared.”
And I was like, “…the fuck? Get outta my house.” (Transatlantic Accent)
Thank you for joining us on the Jacksepticeye Variety Channel for this week’s episode of Jacksepticeye’s Funniest Home Videos. Go out there, be a cool kid, drink your straight fuckin’ water and don’t forget to… (Normal accent)
LAUGH! I actually knocked down 4 this time, I’m getting better (laughs). Be safe out there, and….
GOOD NIGHT EVERYBODY! (Outro Music) Ohh brother!