The Hailie Sahar Story: The Journey – Part 2 | Fluid
05
February

By Adem Lewis / in , , , , , , , , , , , , , /


(somber music) – I think like any woman, whether you’re a woman of trans experience or a cisgender woman. No one just becomes a woman overnight. I was and am still growing into the woman that I’m meant to be. Just like when I was
younger, I was a little girl. When I became a teenager
I was a teenage girl. And then I became a young adult and just like any other woman would be, there’s no difference. When I first discovered
the ballroom scene, I actually ran away from home. I was a teenager and I
reconnected with my best friend who recently passed away,
but I connected with him and he had already
graduated from high school. He was living in a dorm
and I got invited to a ball because I was at a mall with him and this woman who was of
trans experience at the time, she’s like, “you’re so pretty.” And she was like, “you guys
should come to this ball.” And I didn’t know who she was and what she was talking about. And she gave us the address. We were so scared but we ended up going and we didn’t go inside
but it was a follow up ball after that and we actually ended up going. I ended up walking for the
very first time and I won. And at that time I was walking realness and realness, I think has
been taken out of content now but realness actually
means that you blend in with the cisgender world
and no one can detect that you are a woman of trans experience. And so I walked realness. That means that you’re
blending, you look real. And I won. And that was pre-medically transitioning. So the ballroom scene was
the first time I felt a sense of rebellion but in a good way. You have to understand I
was a very gentle child and I know there’s still aspects of me that are very gentle now but I was a very passive
child and I was very quiet. The ballroom scene is where
I learned how to be fierce. It’s where I saw these beautiful women who I later on discovered
were of trans experience. It was when I saw them that I realized that’s exactly who I’ve always felt I was and the ballroom scene allowed
me the space to hone my craft and develop as a young lady. And without any fear or hesitation and that’s what the ballroom did for me. It was my family at the
time away from family and it groomed me. It groomed me in ways that I wasn’t able to be groomed before. I didn’t have the freedom I had until I joined the ballroom scene. I would say my strength
comes from my experiences and this goes back to
what I was saying before. I’ve come to understand and accept that everything in life
happens for a divine reason. And in the moment of it happening, we’re not able to
understand it most times. But as we continue to live, that is when we begin to make sense and have those aha moments. So my experiences are what you
see sitting in front of you. Had I not gone through the hardships, had I not gone through predators, had I not been defeated, depressed, I wouldn’t be who I am today. I would also say that as I’m growing, my mother once again, is the
example of who I want to be and I strive to be what
I saw in her growing up. And it’s so funny because I don’t think that she always sees what I see but who you see now is a
mixture of my own experiences and what I’ve seen in
my mother growing up. This is how I’ve seen my mother, dignified, classy, beautiful from the in and smart, educated, and
that’s who I want to be. I would like to say this on camera. I do not identify as a trans woman. I am a woman who happens
to be of trans experience just like I am a woman who
happens to be multiracial. I do not own those titles. That is not how I identify. I am just a woman. I’m just a young girl and I
want the world to know that.


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