Why Being Too Nice Leads To Rejection – Marisa Peer

By Adem Lewis / in , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , /

The thing that is the
sexiest thing in the world is confidence. Confidence is really sexy. Needy people who find each
other are really happy. It’s like, “I need you.” “I need you.” “I can’t live without you.” “I can’t live without you.” “I can’t be on my own, come with me.” That works because there’s the balance. You meet my needs, I meet your needs. But when one person is
needy they always are loser, ’cause the other person
doesn’t understand. And so the problem is you have to think, “Why am I doing this?” You know, “What what am I doing this for?” And look at that. And if you want your needs met you need to save your partner,
“Listen, these are my needs.” (majestic music) So I often get letters from people saying, “Where can I find love?” “How do I find love?” And people think love is
something to be run after, to be chased after, to be earned. So if you will have this belief, I’ve gotta work for love. I’ve gotta earn love. I gotta find someone who
doesn’t appear to really love me and then work really hard
to show them how amazing. I’ve got to chase after,
them make an effort, and that’s not true. You see, love should make you
feel really good about you. And if your feeling is, I
feel really good about them. I got this great girl, this great guy, but I don’t feel good enough and I gotta work to make them
love me, that’s a mistake. So whenever you’re with anyone I want you to ask yourself one question, how do I feel about myself
when I’m with this girl, this guy, this man? And if the answer is I
didn’t feel good enough, that’s not the person for you. I want you to imagine you’re the stone and they’re the setting, and their job is to make you sparkle. Your job is not to make them sparkle. And when you try to earn
love, or work for love, pursue love, run after
love, it kinda runs away. So if you want to find phenomenal love here’s the only thing you have to do, believe you are lovable. That’s it. Because, you see, you
can only love someone to the degree that you love yourself and they can only love you to the degree that they love themselves. And if all your energy
is “Show me you love me. “Prove you love me. “Make me feel you love me,
’cause I don’t feel lovable,” that doesn’t work. It’s not your partner’s job
to make you feel lovable, it’s your job. So, so many women try
to change their body, their weight, their shape. They get new outfits,
they get their hair done. They try to change all
this external stuff, maybe even having surgery,
to feel lovable, and men too. Buy nicer clothes, try to
get some status symbols, to go, “Look at me, aren’t I lovable.” You don’t have to change your
weight, shape, size, outfit, hair colour, even your
teeth colour to find love. You have to believe that you are lovable. When you know, with unshakable conviction, that you are a lovable, worthy
of love, deserving of love, then you’ll attract it and maintain it. And then you’re in that wonderful flow where you get love and
the more love you get the more you give back
and you’re in this flow of giving and receiving love,
it’s a bit like breathing. So let’s do this now
breathe out, that’s giving. Breathe in, that’s receiving. So just give and receive a breath. Breathe in, breathe out. Feels kinda balanced. But now try the other way, just give. Just keep breathing out, that’s it, keep giving, giving, giving, giving, but don’t breathe end don’t take a breath. Doesn’t that feel weird? That energy just giving, giving. Trying to give what you wanna get. And now do the opposite take. So breathe in and keep taking
taking, taking, taking, don’t breathe out. And that feels kind of weird, too. I’m just taking love, I’m
letting someone give to me, but I’m not giving back. So nature requires balance. The best relationships have balance, you have to give and receive love the way you give and receive breath. It has to be equal. If you think that person is
better than you it won’t work. If you think they’re
not good enough for you, it also won’t work. Fall in love with yourself. (relaxed music) You have to earn love. You gotta to work for love. My mom was mean, now I’ve
got this mean girlfriend. I recognised that, it’s very familiar, so I feel quite secure in it. And I am gonna try now
to change the ending. I’m going to find someone
who reminds me of my mom, I’m gonna turn her into a pussycat. But you see trying to change
the ending is a mistake. Change the beginning. Find someone who’s nothing like your mom. And women do the same, they
say “My dad always put me down, “always criticise me, and
I find men that put me down and criticise me. “And I keep trying to make them nice.” Again, trying to change the ending, when you should be changing the beginning. You should be saying, “Oh,
you remind me of my dad, “I’m outta here. “Who wants to date
their father, after all? “I’m gonna find someone who
doesn’t remind me of my dad.” So there are certainly people
who are put off by niceness, ’cause niceness says, “Please
love me, please like me.” It’s like the child who
goes to school and goes, “Will you be my friend? “If I give you all my toys
will you play with me?” The other kids don’t like
that they go, “Oh no.” You have that media energy,
I need you to be my friend. And what kids love is, “Here
I am, you wanna be my friend, “it’s great, I’ll be your friend.” And you’re lucky that
we’re each other’s friends. But when you try and
earn it, it doesn’t work. ‘Cause how can you be too nice? But I think you have the energy of trying to give them
what you want to get back. So that’s very common, “I want love, I want a
affection, I want real care.” Why don’t I give it all to you with the belief you’ll give it back? But a lot of people just take it. The more you give the more they take, and the more they expect you to give. When you give that much
it becomes your identity. It’s like if you clean
the house every night, you own that job, your
partner won’t do it. When you do something enough
it has you name on it. So in your the giver, giver, giver, the other doesn’t doesn’t go, “Well it’s my turn to give.” They go will you give, I receive, that’s the energy of our relationship. You pay and I let myself be paid for. There are lots of different energies. Don’t change them, change you. Look at what you’re doing,
what’s behind being nice? Wanting someone to really love you, but you have to love you first. It’s not about them it’s about you. If every guy you find is the same, no point in changing them, change you. ‘Cause here’s the thing women always say. “I was in a relationship
wasteland for three years, no guy. “I met a guy, and within two months four other guys asked me out.” ‘Cause now you have the
energy, I’m desirable. I’m lovable, someone wants me. We like people who other people like, we want people other people want. The most popular kid in school everybody wants to be their friend, just because everyone likes them. Doesn’t mean they’re particularly great. And fashion does that, we want really what everyone else wants. So stop trying to change
them and change you. Look at, why am I being nice? Is that ’cause I’m a nice person? Sure. But is it also because I’m giving what I want to get back? Absolutely. So it gives a lot of that to yourself. It’s like let’s say, I
want someone to pay for me. I want someone to take
me out and buy me stuff. So I’m gonna take them
out and buy them stuff. I want someone to buy me dinner, so I’ll buy everyone dinner. That may work but in a
relationship it often doesn’t. It’s very true, if you want someone to
give you a lovely gift then give them a gift, wrap
it up, give them a nice gift, they may return it. But if you keep giving gifts
and they never return it, don’t give any more gifts, go to someone else it
will return the gift. Praise yourself, be nice to yourself. Look in the mirror and
go, “I’m a great person. “Maybe I’m not a size 10, but
I’m kind, I’m warm, I’m funny. “I got beautiful eyes,”
whatever is you want to say. When you fall in love
with yourself it’s so easy for someone else to fall
in love with you too. Women do the opposite and go
“Well, no guys gonna like me. “I’ve got fat legs, I got three kids, “I don’t have an interesting job. “I’ve got nothing to offer.” When you start to say that you believe it, and when you believe it people
around you believe it too. So fall in love with yourself. That’s the quickest way
to attract lasting love that goes the distance. (gentle music)

100 thoughts on “Why Being Too Nice Leads To Rejection – Marisa Peer

  1. Thank You Marisa. God wanted me to listen to this. My husband rarely helps me in any of the house work. Wen I tell him that he does nothing, he gets angry coz he feels he is earning so much that he need no do anything n I am the one who needs him

  2. Wow Marissa is amazing as always!

    When I started to love myself and appreciated being single, I got engaged in 3 months, without even looking for it.

    So please enjoy what you have and live in the present cause you can always find at least one thing to be happy for!

    Do live in your present but prepare for your future, without stressing over it.

  3. It seems that you don t have to beg for love! You are so right. Confidence. A big word. It is really very sexy. Thank you for the videos!

  4. And what if, that person who makes me feel unlovable, is my mother? What should I do? Stay away from her? Don't spend too much time with her?
    By the way, this is exactly what I needed to hear. Thank You Marisa. 💚

  5. Thank you Marisa for your Time , Teachings , Talent and most importantly the Truth. You say it as it is, and make everything clear.

  6. I am nice and people who matter appreciate and don’t try to take advantage. People who don’t matter, don’t understand and when they try to take advantage of my kindness, they get surprised when they realise I can stand my ground and that I can say NO in a nice but assertive way. How? For the last 3 years, I have been listening to Marisa Peer nearly every day, read her books and I learned to be enough, that I don’t need approval from others ( though it can be nice). I am nice but not too nice and I am nice to myself. This confidence, I owe it to Marisa. Thank you Marisa. #iamenough

  7. When I read the title of this video I had to click on it ASAP! Lord knows how I struggle with this issue also. I thought i was the only one.
    And I'm not referring to relationships with boyfriend or girlfriend, but just in general with other people whether it's work, love, or family.

  8. Thank you Marisa ! I know now If I love myself first, I will be able to love in a healthy way. We need that. We need healthy love

  9. My take on the saying is:

    I CAN live with or without you.

    So the opposite of the U2 lyric.

    I am loveable.

    And its my responsibility.

    Your hapiness is your responsibility.

  10. Change the beggining. Well said.

    Choosing someone who does not remind me if my mom and dad.

    Not looking i have abundance.

  11. so even if you don’t have a great job or high income and you still believe you’re enough and lovable despite—then you can still attract love ? men won’t be put off by the fact you’re not successful ?

  12. Really great Madam. I think it's about this: Nothing outside of you can fill you. What you feel and experience is all about your own reflection and your own creation. If being loved is your aim in life, you will end up never finding it. Just love. Because there is nothing as past or future. There is only now.

  13. Maybe this sounds, but while listening to this, and I've come a long way in the relationship arena, but not in the economic one, yet… What if, I listen to this video again and change the word love for money.
    I know, you DO have to work for money, kind of .. money, like a loving relationship should come from a structure (work) that makes you shine…

  14. I am nice to people & a great deal of it comes from inside me, direct from my heart because I have got a lot of love in & flowing through my heart, I love to feel good & I love to assist others in feeling good too. It is great to have all this love flowing but I have realised lately that I do still feel I need to work hard to be acceptable & good enough, to be acceptable to others & I am a little bit surprised at that because I thought that I had got over not feeling good enough. It wouldn't be completely surprising if I hadn't though because both my parents seem to have had Narcissistic Personality Disorder, they both sexually, mentally, emotionally, physically, abused me & my mother beat me unconscious many times as well as actually trying to kill me on at least two occasions I know of.
    It is interesting that I have realised this at this time because I have been affirming that I am now letting go of all unhealthy programming, especially that from my parents. I am clearing all unhealthy programming & choosing & saving good healthy, balanced programmes of the sort that will enable me to have a happy & healthy life, to be relaxed & have a lot of fun & to experience being loved.
    I can quite see now why I have suffered from Chronic Fatigue Syndrome for 35 years. It was all so hard when I was a young person. I was trying to please my mother & the rest of my family & it was like some impossible fairytale task where someone has to empty a huge lake with a teaspoon with a hole in it before the moon sets or spin a barn full of straw into gold before dawn.
    It was an impossible task I had taken on, it was not in my parents nature to be accepting, approving, understanding or supportive or loving or even just to let someone survive unhinderd. They were very sick, criminally mentally ill, toxic people who should never have had access to children, let alone being parents. (Shockingly my mother was also a primary school teacher who was known for being violent & humiliating children, but the more or less non-existant, child protection laws at the time enabled her to stay in the profession for many, many years, despite complaints being made about her.)
    My parents constantly told me I must put others before myself. I sometimes used to wonder who was going to put me first. In fact by the age of seven I had worked out that the whole putting others first thing only worked if everyone had someone else putting them first. I sometimes used to sit there with my face bleeding where my mother had split my lip & knocked my teeth through my cheek, wondering who was going to put me first & if it was possible to come to some sort of arrangement about it, so that maybe someone could put me first & help when I was being beaten up.
    It was a very lonely, terrifying time, in which I suffered life threatening violence on a pretty much everyday basis. I did suceed in surviving. So actually I did acheive my goal. Though it didn't really feel like it I guess, because by then I was so cognitively damaged that being out on my own in the world has also been extremely frightening & difficult & I have been taken advantage of & bullied a great deal. I am more aware & wary of people now.
    I hadn't realised though that I was still trying. I hadn't understood why my body is so tense still. I had got so used to working at surviving childhood that I hadn't realised that working hard at life all the time had become something I did so automatically, it had become something I do all the time, without even noticing. But now I understand why. I was always trying to please my parents in hope of being allowed to survive till I could leave home. No wonder I feel exhausted all the time, years of that.
    The senior school I went to, which I actually liked very much, did put a lot of pressure on us & constantly told us we had to 'put our shoulder to the wheel'. That is a strong image which I have in my head from that time. That might explain why I am so tense in a way that sort of hunches my back into a bent position. That & that by the time I left home I was so used to being hit from behind that, after I left home if someone passed behind me while I was at the dining table I would automatically duck, it had become a reflex action.
    Anyway I am releasing all of it now. I give myself permission to relax & enjoy life. I do not have to do anything to try to make others approve of me any more, or to earn the right to be allowed to simply live. I realease the fear & tension I mis-learnt from my mistaken parents. I let go of their distorted perceptions & judgements. I am free to relax safely. I now only allow people who respect me & treat me well into my life. I let go of all unhealthy programmes & choose to install programmes which support my health, safety, peace of mind, quality of life, good relationships, enjoyment & happiness. I am way good enough to deserve love, kindness, good friends, healthy relationships, good health, good fortune & happiness. Blessed be.

  15. What do you do when your sisters have turned against you, and you’re the last to know about family functions, and I only find out through my own daughter?
    I’m the oldest of 3 girls, and my sisters were always selfish even as kids. This got way worse after our mom died 14 years ago, and my sisters banned against me.
    I’m single, and later when I got very ill from implants that I had for a long time, I had to retire, had multiple surgeries, mold illness, and autoimmune diseases, and was further isolated.
    My sisters thought I was on drugs! But, I was a well-respected teacher with a high degree, and NOT on drugs.
    They hate my grown son, and he’s not invited to anything unless my ex comes with him. He’s had severe brain damage and is a recovering addict, but they don’t understand the situation.
    I can’t stand the materialism and the lack of compassion they have had, and they were like this as kids. I’m very spiritual and forgiving, and so I’m nice to everyone and spread kindness.
    I’m also sparkling and bubbly on the outside and don’t let on that I don’t feel well. I have a lot of men that want to date me, but I’m never asked if I want to bring a date to any event.
    I’ve tried to be as nice to them as possible, offer my help, etc. even though they never offered once or called the year I had 4 surgeries. They still don’t answer my texts, and I only know about things through my own daughter.
    Being nice is my only option, but I’ve learned to stand my ground without being insulting, even when they show me up with outrageous gifts to my granddaughter.
    This is eating me up inside, so I meditate and have my own friends, but if I prefer to be with them, I’m a snob.
    I’m stuck, but ok. I don’t like holidays now because of this.

  16. I simply can't thank this channel and Marissa ….I feel I need to listen to her everyday and when I can follow even half of her advice u know my whole life will change incredibly for the best …..thank u universe for this wonderful lady n her wisdom which she shares so openly to all who even cannot go for her sessions or meet her in person ❤️

  17. When we are child there is always someone who make feel us bad , and when we become adults we are looking for someone to make feel us happy isnt… be joyful happy and blissful because you want to be that way not because someone is nice with you , or because you want to be lovely to someone , if someone is rude with you or around you then there is more need to be nice ….we need wealth people to take café of ill people , if everyone is illl who will take care….

  18. Phenomenal. Thank you for all your hard work Marisa. The one thing i've taken from all your videos and teachings, is that, no matter your social status, your income, or your appearance, it is what you believe on the inside that predicts and projects into your reality externally. In all forms, love, money etc. What you believe you become, and what you allow will continue!

    Love from Australia.

  19. Marisa you truly are a gift to this world. 💕 You have taught me so much and I appreciate you .
    Thank you.🙏 I see you are coming to Melbourne Australia. Can you fit in some appearances in Sydney. I would love to see you and I am sure many others would too.

  20. Sadly this is true. It’s painful. I have been on the other side of this and unfortunately it has pushed me away. All the presents and compliments wind up being a pressure and make me feel bad that rather than feeling grateful I just feel suffocated and experience something more like guilt which I shouldn’t have to because I don’t do anything to elicit this kind of over-giving and I have tried hard to communicate this but this person doesn’t take it on board.

  21. When I like someone, I get excited (because this is difficult to happen), and I start to give, give , give…. And as "love is blind", I don't even notice that the other person does not give back, or give just enough to keep me hanging…. When I realise that I only have been giving, I get frustrated

  22. Balance is essential in everything in life, i used to care less about whether one's feeling is mutual or not/has the same chemistry or not, resulting me getting along with drain energy people several times,in which i gave and kept giving but they just didn't appreciate and didn't give back at all. I learn from those experiences that i should always choose those who also choose me in the first place,and i pay attention to balance in every relationship, that's very important. And i work on myself to become my best authentic version, so i can attract certain things and people accordingly. 🙏🏽

  23. I woke up feeling off balance and sad about a recent break-up but after listening to your very helpful video I feel empowered and ready to have a day filled with fun and love for myself.Thank-you Marisa, : )

  24. Marisa is a legend. This is so on point i know from personal experience. Love yourself first and the rest will take care of itself.

  25. Thank you for this video. I use get walk on by most men. To the point that I stopped dating 6 years ago. I have a need to please and the results in relationships have been painful. I recently found one of your videos and I now practice saying “ I am enough”. At first it felt unnatural and somewhat fake. However it’s changed my life. Thank you.

  26. I needed this! I absolutely thank you from the bottom of my heart for this video. It opened my eyes to see what I have been missing in my life. Thank you 👋👋👏

  27. Marisa your 9 minutes and 35 seconds changed and saved my life. I'm 50 starting a new life from today after watching your video for the first time. Can't thank you enough 😇

  28. Thank you Ms.Peer. You are such a beautiful soul. Such an inspiration! It is remarkable how easy it is to apply your transformation therapy teachings. Your program should be in everyone's resource inbox & the first to be listened to at start of the day before anything else 🙂 Your energy and mentorship encourages us. It's a gift 🎁You make us see the brightside with full of zeal and motivate us to action towards achieving the mindset & life you want. We are enough, we can. Let's go and to this. Power to be confident now🎯 🙋‍♀️🙌👑

  29. Just had a low value week where I felt very unlovable. Yesterday I started dating myself and I feel heaps better especially with this video

  30. Wonderful if people say you’re too nice in general and you smile too much that’s your personality, and you’re just U and highly spirited and sometimes I like being around people, sometimes I like being alone.😀😇🤗😀

  31. I am no longer codependent, I’m not needy and I find I attract even less people and am very happy on my own, And am fine with that. I’m not going to chase after or attempt to get anyone’s love. I’m enough.

  32. My Goodness …Now I know that even after giving best of shows why I couldn't maintain good personal interpersonal relationship at work…. I always tried to be nice and most of times extra nice… Thank you Marisa ❤️🙏
    Love from India

  33. I am just discovering Marisa this week and I gotta say I am blown away by her authenticity. I get the distinct impression she is NOT in it for the money, and not into her image, or promoting herself. Giver.

  34. Marisa, this is so amazing!
    I think I have owned too many things…giving giving giving and haven’t been getting it back. Someone even called me a ‘pushover’ in the process 😳.
    Do you have some tips to ‘disown’ these things and let all carry their weight?

  35. That breathing exercise really opened my eyes. Of course I can’t keep giving to others and loving others, without loving and giving to myself! I grew up without affection and love, it’s tough to learn how to love yourself, once you’ve grown up, I am just glad I realised finally why and how to love me and put me first! 💖🙏🏻🌟😊🌼

  36. Thank you Marissa, you, ve opened my eyes. I was dumped after 4 years I used to give, give, give & too needy I thought he would stay because I was looking for something which I didn't have from my childhood. I have always wanted my sisters to love me but they never did. Your teachings are so great. Thank you again. God Bless You and your family. 😊 Xx

  37. I love that she does those videos and that they are available to everyone. I am very much into spirituality and I think this field is overcrowded by males for thousands of years (as religion is) and it is so much about being more caring, less aggressive, more empathic, selfless etc. Which is all great and important, but I think women after puberty are a litte bit different. I know so many women who are all this and who are not happy. In fact it makes them miserable because their whole life is about what other people want. Many women are giving everything and they hear every day that they should be doing more. I really believe in oneness, kindness and giving love and that, even if the person I give it to doesn't apreciate it, I receive it back from someone or something else. But it is important to remember that we are human beings, too. We are the same and deserve the same love we give. It is so important to hear this more often because we tend to forget it in our busy lifes.

  38. I'm WAY to nice… even if it means…something, but the title actually really trueful, I have a crush on someone but I'm always to nice! Wow…I'm really glad I discovered you… you are the best person to watch

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